Dash Of The Titans

My mind has been a relative blank lately writing-wise. This is ironic since I’ve been teaching an academic writing course to a group of university students – (as an aside, I have some standard composition course books but to any other teachers out there who find themselves teaching such a course, go to the Purdue University online writing lab. It’s inspired).

While searching for something to share with you I stumbled across two Economist magazine style faux articles I wrote in 2004 whilst living in Mexico. In response to a job vacancy advert for a reporter I put together an application package which included these faux reports. At the time of the application I was teaching at two Mexico City based universities. I was fed up with teaching and wanted a career change but wasn’t going to lie and make up a journalist background. The two articles were concocted to show off my writing skills. I was totally upfront about the articles being fake (as if one couldn’t tell from reading them). In the event, not only did I not get the job, my application wasn’t even acknowledged. Such is life sometimes but I envisage people  one day joking and saying, “Can you believe that phenomenal, multiple prize-winning author was turned down for a journalistic post?” No prizes for guessing I’m alluding to China and Japan in what follows. Read on and enjoy.

 

 

(Faux article)

THE DASH OF THE TITANS

BY MOGBOLAHAN KOYA-OYAGBOLA
 

The creeping rise in consumer spending of the past five years has resulted in a belated but nevertheless very welcome narrowing of Salaban’s deflationary gap. The Salabanese government, going against its usual policy of bailing out failing banks, stood by last week as the Industrial Bank of Salaban and Fujisushi Banking Corporation went under. This confirmed Prime Minister Gambattey’s reformist credentials and boosted market confidence. Jonathan Glibfellow, senior analyst at Goldman Morgan Bank best summed up the mood of the market with his comment: “It appears the old girl is indeed intent on sticking to her election campaign promise of not shying away from unpopular measures to get the economy back on track”. Contrary to the predictions of economic alarmists, the Tokugawa stock exchange finished the day on a high of 324 after the bank crashes. This was the first time in two years the TSE had breached the 300 point benchmark.

The Harvard educated governor of the Bank of Salaban Mochi Sashimi was in fine fettle as he stated, “Statistics show that the bank’s decision to increase the supply of money in circulation is indeed getting people to spend more. The industrial base is rebounding nicely and we’re cautiously edging closer to the feel good factor of the late 80s”. With the historically acrimonious relations between Salaban and its giant neighbour to the south, Mr Sashimi was loath to credit the real saviour. Salaban has The People’s Republic of Filona to thank for the newfound spring in the step of its industrial base. Filona’s mad dash to build a market economy has seen its demand for heavy machinery, steel, petroleum, tin and many other commodities, soar, pushing up prices in the world market. It is to this state of affairs that Salaban owes it reversal of fortune.

Of the twenty-year recession, Mr Sashimi blithely remarked, “The King is dead. Long live the king”. By dint of luck or wisdom, the governor (who incidentally, is also the finance minister) has overseen a shift for the better in his country’s economic fortunes. There is even talk of the raising of the base rate, which had been frozen at its present level for ten years, by half a percentage point to the stratospheric height of 0.5%. It appears the jewel in the crown of the Asian Titans, as Salaban was so fondly known, is feeling sprightly again. Here is hoping the other Asian economies come out of the doldrums to quite literally give Salaban a run for its money and administer a much-needed panacea to the global economy.  ■

© Mogbolahan Koya-Oyagbola 2004

 

 

(Faux letter to a fictitious weekly news magazine)

Letter

Sir – As a former employee of University of South-East America, I found your article (“The Dons are Not to Blame”, April 3^rd) truly commendable. It is a little known fact that many of the universities in this country are little more than hollow academic shells that are propped up for tax avoidance purposes. The situation is further exacerbated by the government policy of awarding grants to universities in direct proportion to the number of PhDs in the faculty. The ranking system is thereby completely based on assumed research capacity. This does nothing to reflect the ability of the institution to actually teach.

A case in point is a good friend of mine – let’s call him Gutierrez – who is undoubtedly a very bright man indeed. His pursuits are best kept to the field of research however because he simply cannot teach. Faced with an audience of first year undergraduates, he mumbles, stutters and turns a bright puce colour inside the first five minutes of a one-hour lecture.

My friend is at least artless in his cheating of the students out of a meaningful learning experience. Others take a quite insouciant attitude towards their teaching duties. They are not entirely to blame however as morale is at an all time low. During my tenure, almost all the PhDs were culled from Eastern Europe or China at bargain prices and arrived to find the university lacking in research facilities or indeed a spirit of intellectual vigour. It didn’t take the new arrivals long to develop a deep cynicism. They quickly developed the habit of simply doing enough to get by while receiving their salaries and applying for positions at more reputable institutions in Canada, the U.S and/or Western Europe.

© Mogbolahan Koya-Oyagbola 2004

 

 

 

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